Looking back, I've never really had goals, and as such, never really accomplished much. About the only proper goal I've wver worked with was finishing the first draft on a book. That I even set a deadline for. That I accomplished.
But that's about it, though. I went to college with no plans, no goals, and didn't finish. I joined the Army, knowing I needed change. But still I had no direction, no path, and I didn't stay with it. Then I went from temp job to temp job. No plan, no goal, no future.
Now, I find myself suffering for that lack of planning in my life. I started at the dealership but I didn't map out where I wanted to be. With no stated goal, no destination to reach, I stagnated. I didn't push myself. Not to learn, not to excel.
Now that I'm finally realizing all this it's too late. We can't afford it any more. I didn't make enough over the winter to keep up, an by the time I am making enough to get ahead it'll already be too late. Unless I can really push myself. But basically I failed. I can accept that, I think. I failed Amy, and that part hurts.
So now I have to get a job. I know the amount I need to make to make ends meet and pay off the little bit of accumulated debt. It's at the upper end of Admin pay. Difficult to find, but possible.
Now it's going to be Amy's turn, although I doubt she'll be happy about that. I should be able to get another office job. But I'm not qualified for any office job that'll go anywhere in the long run. The best case scenario keeps us out of debt, and keeps up with cost of living. Saving for retirement? Saving for the kids college? No, that part'll have to come from Amy's jewelry. Nope. The only things I've ever been good at I can't get paid to do.
I had my chance to build the future I wanted them to have. I know where I could be with RV sales. I've seen it, but too late. I could have been making twice what I've ever made before by now. But I squandered it. I threw it away by taking the opportunity for granted.
"I just need to get through the learning curve," I told myself (and Amy). But that wasn't the truth. I needed to work through the learning curve, not just let it happen. It isn't something that was just going to come with time. I had to work for it. In the last couple of months I've seen the kind of improvement and progress I should have seen last fall. I've seen where I could be next spring, but unless I can do it right now, we won't make it long enough to get there.
So that's it. That's what's been eating me up inside all day. Early in the morning I looked at my progress so far, and projected where it was taking me. All I can do now is learn from it, and make some changes. Unfortunately, I've already too often said I'd change. I'm not sure even I believe it any more.
There. I've said it. I guess tomorrow decides everything. Either I'll commit to making a drastic change in my life, or nothing will change. I guess we'll see.
Posted by fictionman at June 17, 2006 12:02 AM | TrackBack (0)