in the realm of the fictionman

Abbot and Costello do Windows

No real update about me this moring. I did get this in an email, which I've forwarded on to a couple of people, and figured I'd share:

IF Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS ABBOTT TO BUY A COMPUTER

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
about buying a computer

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

AB! BOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to typ! e a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTE LLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping?
You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER:

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START." . . .

Doctors Notes

Another Cauldron item. I don't know if I believe them to be true, but amusing nonethless:

When doctors have to jot down notes in a hurry, they sometimes forget about proper sentence structure. Why, then even forget what is anatomically possible.

"Patient's feces the same color as the doors in ward 19."

"Is afraid of doctors. Has, however, seen two nurses. Please find them attached."

"These were the patients left lying on my desk."

"Bad sexlife - no partner."

"According to his wife, the patient is mobile when going to the fridge. The rest of the time he's confined to his wheel chair."

"The father has cancer and two cousins."

"The patient's parents died when she was 12. They have not been in contact since."

"Was told that her heart was healthy, but asked to return upon loss of conciousness."

"Could not stand up in the afternoon, due to not having legs."

"Walks with stiff back and head to the ground."

"Has been having problems injecting his penis, despite being a dentist."

"Patient has a headache in his head."

"Sometimes his shoes hurt."

"Has not been involved in sports, or any other trauma."

"Patient has lost his knee twice, for no apparent reason."

"Paralyzed from the toes down."

"Patient told me that she had been constipated for most of her life, up until the time of her divorce."

"No booze, no cigarettes, no children."

"Referred by doctor whose handwriting is illegible due to syndactyly."

"Am looking at patient in microscope, not getting any wiser."

"Patient can't make his chin touch his head."

"Is a farmer, but is otherwise healthy."

"Truck driver in good health, who can usually go for miles without getting short of breath."

"Lungs sound good and are released from hospital."

"The lymph gland was sent to Uppsala together with the patient."

"Man who has abused alcoholism."

"Gets meals from his son in the freezer."

"Has modern house and wife."

"Is feeling fine, and has therefore seen his doctor several times this year."

"Feels better when holding his head behind his neck."

"Ear movements are normal."

"New referral from the son who is related to the patient."

"Has recently seen her gynecologist, who proposed."

"When death struck, the patient's condition suddenly deteriorated."

"When they finally get the patient on to the balcony for some fresh air, she threatens to jump. Staff finds the situation hopeless."

"Pains in stomach, which is wandering around."

"Patient recommended to keep his penis up after sexual activity."

"Patient had an appointment because of back pains. When he did not show up, the hospital called the police, who broke into the apartment. Patient was found face down on the floor. Claims to have been massaging his radio."

"Patient arrives in ambulance after having been in touch with private practitioner."

"Patient gets gin and morphine intravenously."

"Patients pains are hurting."

"Patient with facial rash. Gets skin problems from his underwear."

"Patient died ten years ago and has been devastated ever since."

"Patient used to be heavy smoker, is now bee keeper."

"Patient was adviced to go hang himself."

"Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."

"Gets a rash from strawberries, shrimps, and several of the kids."

"Patient left his platelets in another hospital."

"Patient has a green cold. Nice colours."

"Patient has not previously committed suicide."

"Patient has a urinary catheter, and it's hard do talk to him."

"Patient's prostate is the size of a mandolin."

"Patient has stopped moving since he was released from the hospital."

"Patient has little stamps in her vagina."

"Patient used to have ears, but they have fallen off."

"Patient has two teens, but no other abnormalities."

"Patient has suffered depression since she started seeing me in 1989."

"Patient was placed in a kennel, with some help from the social services."

"Patient's hearing is very bad. In fact, she's deaf on the left eye."

"Patient was told the results of the autopsy."

"Patient threw up entire bowl."

"Patient looks like a stranded whale."

"Patient released for examination."

"Patient is to abstain from all kinds of sexual activity until I can receive her."

"Patient was supposed to have his colon cleaned. Instead he started working as a stock broker."

"The patient was shot by Doctor Hultberg."

"Patient claims to have pains in his right heart, which radiate down to the left toe on the right arm."

"Patient did not consent to an autopsy."

"Patient think she's standing up, when she is in fact lying down, which confuses us both. Is referred away."

"Patient says left toe feels numb, compared to the other fingers."

"Patient allergic to cheese, milk, and butter, also mother and brother."

"Patient is attentive and disinterested."

"Patients weight at home was 78 kilos, before he came here without clothes."

"Patient is refusing to stand on his hips."

"Patient is a 65-year-old woman who fell in the street. Case further complicated by patient getting run over by truck."

"Patient is 19 months pregnant."

"Patient is unconscious during examination, but says that he's feeling fine."

"Boy, healthy since birth, good apetite, now weighs 4300 kilos."

"I point out to the patient that it's important to keep clean between the feet."

"Is prescribed a big glass of water before intercourse."

"Is told to call me a month in advance if the problems return."

"Back patient comes in for unfolding."

"Has red foot that comes and goes."

"Since the patient quit smoking his smell has come back."

"Told to go swimming in the pool. Will be brought up again in a week."

"Back pains appear when patient is lying with both legs on her back."

"Status: Unchanged, which is good. Seems to like doctors."

"Hickeys on back after alternative therapy."

"Swollen, pathetic, left arm."

"Comes to see me because of a tick on the head. Head is removed with tweezers."

"Has previously worked as tourist."

"Took two Nitromex and the ambulance arrived without results."

"Excited patient is holding his head in his left hand."

"Urine sample grown on the doctor shows coli."

"Status: Alive, but without permission."

"Regarding his impotence, we will let his wife treat him."

"Is allergic to allergies."

"Hereditary diseases: born in Finland."

"Contacted Doctor Hanson, who despite being drunk agrees to see patient."

"Is in pain, mostly in the evenings. Goes away when he takes painkillers he borrows from his mother, whose name he does not know."

"Patient vomited for lunch."

"Status: Not adequate - does not know where he is, and if so, why he is there."

"Treated for lack of symptoms."

"Legs are bandaged, am removing them."

"Lives together with married wife."

"The problems have been having this patient for around ten years."

"Probably died from a heart attack, and later from emphyzema."

"Drinks fluidly and possibly porridge."

"Got his penis stuck in a zipper, we're cutting it off."

"Young woman, pregnant twice, now with her head stuck in her pelvis."

"Had epilesy. Lives in an apartment. Is medicated because of this."

"Admitted after falling from a bus with back pains."

"Is in pain after falling from the thorax."

"Smokes and drinks a pack of cigarettes a day. Lives with father and mother who are alive."

"Status of stomach: Patient able to walk without problems."

"Neurological status: Has no clear extremities."

"Patient comes to see me after beating encouraged by the police."

Halloween Joke

Dad forwarded this email to me.

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with everyone and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive lady herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and he had his way with her. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in asked him what kind of time he had.

He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "l tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. BUT, you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!"

Lawyer Joke #5342

One of the customers at work has a reputation for having a new joke to share each time. So, when prodded, here was Monday's offering:

A man walks into a bar, heads straight for the bartender and loudly proclaims, "Every lawyer is an asshole!"

A man in the back stands up and says, "I resent that remark!"

The first man asks, "Are you a lawyer?"

To which the reply is, "No, I'm an asshole."

Today's Amusing Quote

From a Cauldron posting:

"Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs!!!!"

From an Email

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Single women are skinnier?

Quick humor bit sent me by my father:

Single women are skinnier! Why?

Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.

"Truths"

Excerpts from an email forwarded at work:

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse?
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.

Today's Quote

The fastest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.

Stranger Than Fiction...?

So another blog linked to

Weight Watchers recipe cards from 1974 with captions. There's a tour to go through them all.

It's one of those sick humor kinds of things where you laugh even if you're not quite sure why. Maybe it's the morbid side of me. Humor's hard to define that way.

710

Maybe I posted this before, maybe not. This was from an email, not actually me:

A few days ago I was having some work done at the local Ford Dealership. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.

He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there.

More Quick Humor Sharing

(The last humor bit I posted caused quite a stir of controversy on another side because someone worked hard at being offended by it. Let's see what happens with this one...)

This was emailed to me:

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when He sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.

Quick Humor Sharing

My boss at work passed this around yesterday:

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in The Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work; wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-#### and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting...

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.

Halmark cards that didn't make it

This one comes via email from an aunt...

Deviant Olympic Humor

Found via Jennirhiow:

http://www.sydes.net/jokes/flash/mr_otto_olympics.swf

It takes a minute to load, but if you have that kind of sense of humor... :-)

Found While Filing

Going through the junk around my desk I found an old joke. Maybe it's a true story, maybe not, but I laughed either way.

A Gift For His Sweetheart

A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart's birthday, so he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note. While wrapping the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed up the order and sent a pair of panties instead. Here's the note:

Darling,

I chose these because I notice that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but because your sister wears short ones that are so easy to remove, I decided to get the same style for you.

Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on for me and she really looked sharp.

I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt many other hands will touch them before I see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. And be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they don't shrink.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! I hope you like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.

P.S. - The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Prison vs. Work

Not new on the internet, but I got it forwarded to me and just had to post it. (Yep, two posts in a row. Wow.)

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer.

IN PRISON…you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.